VOUD #3: Bonus Edition
Seatspooling (n.): The complex algorithm that goes through our heads, when we're trying to figure out where to sit on a crowded train/bus.
"Not next to the Chinese lady, she probably smells like General Tso's socks".
"Not next to the whale, don't wanna rely on the armrest for survival"
"Not next to the obnoxious phone guy, he'll probably be talking all through the ride about which tax software he uses"
"Not next to the sleepy, bespectacled dude. He looks like a snorer"
"Not next to the guy with the afro, with the I-Pod, who has his leg on the seat next to him, thinking that it creates a coat of invisibility on the seat, as if we can't spot an empty seat because his bony-ass leg is on it. At least its better than that pierced Shaniqua on her way back to the hood, with the long fake braids, who puts her K-mart wintercoat and Chinatown purse in her glorious attempt to invisibilize the seat next to her, while she chats it up with Laquisha on her pink studded Razr about her 4 children with different fathers. (and of course I know this, cuz by now, the whole freaking train knows this)"
"Not next to the nerdy Indian software engineer, cuz he's gonna go clackety-click on his laptop, as he talks annoyingly softly in an ununderstandable tongue-twisty language to his homebound wife, telling her which curries he wants to go with his rice by the time his patriarchal butt gets home".
So many options, so little time. That leaves one with the coal car or the driver's lap. The things one does to avoid paying for New York City Parking.